The Loins of Daddy Dachtler

The old farting in the library trick.

2011-09-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

My study days never go as planned. I feel that if I have to go and smash into my skull tons of knowledge and want silence the library is a safe bet. I realize that this thought is completely wrong, the library is full of distractions. Let me fill you in on my "study day".

It was the day before my Genetics test, and I felt that I really needed to get a good 6 hours of studying in order to score at least a B. I though of going to Caribou or Starbucks, but I felt that these might hold the common distractions of eavesdropping and people watching. I needed a place that was going to be quiet; so quiet that I could study for my 6 hours and not worry about a single sound. I thought to myself, what better place then the school library no one will distract me there. How wrong I was.

I should have realized that this was going to be a bad study day from the moment I turned on to University Ave and heard this high-pitched squealing sound, not unlike what a Justin Beiber concert would sound like. This was at least a half mile before campus and then I saw hundreds of pink wearing, blond dyed, pirate boot wearing sorority girls chanting their house songs and goose steeping (Ok they weren't goosestepping) towards the quad. My first thought was to run and never come back, the collective sound of their shrills was beginning to melt my brain from the inside but I didn't, I pursued on thinking the 2 feet of concrete wall of the library would save me. Initially I was correct, as I ran to the library yelling sanctuary, sanctuary the noise stopped. This was only a lie because as soon as I took out my books on the fourth floor by the huge windows, it was back, the insane screams of the pinkies. After an hour or so, the harpies went back to their side of the river Styx and the brain melting stopped.

I started to get into a groove, the inner-workings of the allels were beginning to sing to me and then I heard it. It was the sound that I when I hear it I cannot help but embrace my inner 6 year old and laugh at...a really loud fart. This happened three tables away and the three people sitting there tried to pass it off as if nothing happened. Five minutes later it happened again, and this time the flatulenter's friends couldn't help but giggle. This went on for and hour; every five minute the same kid would fart and I would start laughing. I ended up moving because I couldn't concentrate. All these things downgraded my study time from 6 hours to around 3. It ended up ok because I did really well on the test, but that may be the last time I go to the library to study.

The things I waste my time on.

2011-09-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

I have made a conscious effort to reign in my bad habit of wasting time in order to pursue more productive hobbies (i.e. relearning Spanish). This pursuit has been halted by a certain Battlestar Galactica and all its wily story-lines. I can tell already that even though this is "just" a TV series, when I am finished I will be both sad and a little empty. I know all the character's are made up yet I feel so drawn in that I am already dreading the end. This will pass in an hour or two once I finish the last season but that will be one dark hour contemplating the depth of cylon infiltration into our society...come to think of it I fell like I see the mailman all over town; perhaps he is a cylon. Regardless, mock me if you will but I am secure enough to admit my deep worries over my emotional well-being after the conclusion of this wonderful series.

Now I Know Ada Understands The Language.

2011-09-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

Katie and I are sarcastic individuals and having a smart little girl around I figured it was only a matter of time before she caught on. It appears that after a certain conversation with her mother she finally got it.

(Ada has been naughty this morning on the way to Daycare and Katie is trying to explain why she has to listen to her parents)

Katie: "Ada when you are continually naughty it not only makes us sad (mom and dad) it also makes Jesus sad so you need to listen to us for the rest of the day.

Ada: (without pause) "Well I guess Jesus is going to be sad today."

I know I should be worried but that was really witty. I think we are going to have to cut back on our sarcasm from now on.

There are some perks...

2011-05-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

There are some days that I cannot stand my job, but happily today was not one of them because today was movie day. Let me back up, I work for clients who are adults with disabilities trying to assist them in staying on task in their daily lives. Most of the time my clients do not want to do anything but sit and watch TV, but there are days when you can coax them out for something fun. Today was movie day and fortunately we chose a good one, Thor. It was better than expected, not a life changer but still a good time. I am just happy they didn't want to see Fast and the Furious 5 and I didn't have to curse the day Vin Desiel chose acting over bouncing.

E=MC Hammer

2011-05-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

Finals are coming up and I am well on my way to a mental breakdown, maybe an exaggeration but not by much; so much to do and so much to study for. My main nemesis is the Chemistry Final, this brilliant test is the national standard and is essentially written for you to fail. I am not joking the average score is around 40...out of 80, now I may not be a teacher but does that seem right to you? It is so bad that the teachers have to round the scores by about 30 points, over a 1/3 of the test and this is after half of our class (the failing ones) dropped. Man I just want to be done and not think about how much worse it will be in Organic and Bio-Chemistry. I just hope there are some people left that put off studying for heavy drinking so their scores are lower than usual causing the teachers to round the test even more.

What are we celebrating?

2011-05-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

     I was watching the news the other day and saw massive parties all over the U.S. At first I thought that I missed out on a government edict that changed New Years to May 2nd. When I looked closer at the headlines I saw people where out celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden.

    This has caused a stir of emotions in my heart, one part of me is hopeful that this will help cripple Al Quida (by all reports this hurt them but they are not out), and another part of me is torn that so many people will go out to celebrate the fact that we killed someone.

    I have not lost anyone in the September 11th attacks, so perhaps this is a way for people to get closure, yet I feel that throwing massive parties for someone who will now spend an eternity separated from God is wrong. I believe that God is saddened when someone dies and is eternally separated from God's kingdom no matter who they turned out to be.

    I understand that some people are so harmful to a society that they must be restrained, eliminated if it comes to that, but I still think some restraint should be shown as a society in our reaction to these events. Think back to the current Iraqi war and the scenes of people going crazy in the street because they killed some U.S. soldiers. Remember how devastating that was because that was one of our own, someones son, brother. Osama had a family too and no matter how terrible he turned out to be even though I think we did the right thing in killing him, he is someones son, and brother. I am not dismayed by what we did but by how we reacted as a society. Do we really need a party?

Quote's from a young lady.

2011-04-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here are a few lovely gems from my 3 year old daughter.

Ada getting ready to go to daycare "Daddy I am going to cut your head off and eat it so I can bring you to daycare with me."

Ada telling a knock, knock joke Ada: "Knock, Knock." Me: "Who's there?" Ada: "Banana" Me: Banana who?" Ada: "Banana pants" (Note: you could throw any knock, knock joke out there she will always say Banana Pants)followed by insane laughter.

Ada, Nellie, Katie and I are lying on the bed and Ada is watching Nellie eat. Ada: "Daddy come here I can feed you with my elmo's" (her word for nipple).

Ada having trouble sleeping. "I can't go to bed; there is a creeper in my bed."

The Life of a Mole

2011-03-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

I wish spring was here, it is depressing the crap out of me. It is still at a measly 20degreesF and I want the snow to leave me alone. It will only get warmer but man does the waiting suck...let me go play outside in the sun. The ironic thing is that next week we are supposed to be in the 40's and I know all the young-ens will break out their american eagle/abrocombie/old navy cargo shorts and t-shirts, and all the girls will bust out the mini's and tank tops. Where else in the U.S. besides Alaska do we treat 40's as really warm weather? Is our blood really that thick or are we as a people that dumb?

Regardless I am excited to see the snow go away and see some green again. So if anyone else is reading this blog please send me pictures of your spring to let me know that it still exists. If I believe hard enough maybe it will really happen this year.

Life in the fastlane...or at least the carpool lane.

2011-03-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have been introduced to some more shows lately and I am not really thrilled that I am watching them. The first one is called "The League" and is about these guys in a fantasy football league. It is funny in a off the cuff crude way. The other show is Jersey Shore and it is terrible, but in that squirrel running across that high-way can't take my eyes off entertainment. These people are contributing nothing to society except for partying and fist pumping. How are they famous? Because of people like me who watched the first season in hopes that they would grow up, but knowing they wouldn't. I now vow to not watch the second season and contribute anymore to the spread of Jersey. Man do I hate this show.

The Pro's and Con's of Fatherhood

2011-03-03T21:02:00.001-08:00

Since I am on this Pro's and Con's gig I figured I can come up with this evaluation for nearly every aspect of my life. Today's topic fatherhood.

Pro's:
1. I am immensely proud of my girls even in the littlest things. A good example of this is Nellie now can sit in her Bumbo seat and Ada can put together sentences and rhymes all on her own.

2. Getting to hear Ada say she loves me so much without having to say it first...tear.

3. Getting Nellie to laugh out loud and display her beautiful dimples.

4. When Ada holds my face in her hands and forces me to give her fish kisses.

5. Watching my amazing wife interact with our children, it makes me appreciate how loving she really is (not that I needed a reminder but it is nice to see).

6. When I come home and Ada runs to the door yelling papa, and Nellie turns her fat face to greet me.

7. Getting to see the unlimited potential in my girls, honestly believing that they can accomplish what ever they set their minds to.

Cons:
1. Averaging 5 hours of sleep and still having to work and pass some really hard classes.

2. The worry that I have whenever Ada gets a cold; I still get fearful that she will have to be hospitalized. The worry I have when I think of Nellie's eyesight.

3. Already dreading them getting older and hoping that they will grow with Christ not without him.

4. Increased emotional sensitivity, I cry when watching any kid go through any pain or embarrassment.

5. The guilt of not being completely appreciative for my two little blessings when there are people out there who would make much better parents but can't have kids.

6. Pink, Pink everywhere. I feel like I am at a Princess convention every-time I look into my girls closets.

7. The strain it can put on a marriage, it is hard to find time alone with my lovely wife.

Well it is obvious that the cons are quite trivial and the Pros are immeasurable; stay tuned for next week when I go over the Pro's and Con's of Marriage.

2010-11-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

Calculus is stupid and should not be applied to our lives anymore. Who cares about all the practical applications that would be erased if it no longer existed, I don't like it therefore it should not exist.

Mediocrity is better than nothing.

2010-11-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

This is the second time in 2 years that both my teams (the Lion's and Raider's) have won on the same week. I know I shouldn't brag but that is pretty special, well, at least for me. I know I should be excited and writing about how in less than a month my wife will give birth to our second girl, but really I am more interested in the outcome of my NFL lovers. If you think about it I was head over heels in love with my teams long before meeting Katie.

P.S. Anyone who disagrees with me hates the good old U.S.of A. just thought you should know.

Our Nations Past

2010-10-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Christopher Columbus was a greedy land grabber, just as the majority of our European's were at the time. I am tired of our history books revering him as this curious wonderer who wanted to prove the Earth was round. It is simply not true; he wanted to find gold and power that came with new trade routes. He was no different than the conquistador's who later came to plunge the land for their European kingdoms. I don't feel he deserves a holiday named after him, if anything we should celebrate the Viking's who where settled in Vineland (Maritime Provinces) over 300 years before Columbus' so called discovery.

The difference between all the other early voyagers and Columbus was that the European Kingdoms had the technology, need and unfounded religious fervor that caused them to now plunder this new land for everything of monetary value.

I know this is an unfortunate human response to take everything and claim it as ours, and that nearly all nations have been conquered at one point or another. I not saying Columbus was any worse or better than those who came after him; my point is that instead of blurring that facts of how the Americas where taken over by the Europeans, we should be truthful of our history. Maybe if we are open and honest with our children about our history, than they would grow up with more caution about how nations interact in the past, present and future.

Here is an exert of what was known as "the Requirement" that the Spaniards would read (in Spanish) when encountering a new native population.

I implore you to recognize the Church as a lady in the name of the Pope take the King as lord of this land and obey his mandates. If you do not do it, I tell you that with the help of God I will enter powerfully against you all. I will make war everywhere and every way that I can. I will subject you to the yoke and obedience to the Church and to his majesty. I will take your women and children and make them slaves...The deaths and injuries that you will receive from here on will be your own fault and not that of his majesty nor of the gentlemen that accompany me. (The Conquest of Paradise)

Wander Lust

2010-10-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

It's happening again, around this time every year I get terrible wander lust. I want to pack up everything and leave town, country and home. This feeling is constantly with me but when the weather starts to change my desire to sell everything I own to go serve people far, far away is almost unbearable. It is not like there are not needs here, there are, it's just not what pulls at me. I was made to be elsewhere learning and helping in places unfamiliar.

The difference this time is that I know how am crazy blessed I am with an amazing wife (of 5 years yesterday) and two girls (one on its way in less than 8 weeks) so I try to cram my wandering down and push forward; realizing that I need to finish my school here, get prepared, then we can all leave together. It is inevidable that I leave again, I know it and so does everyone else around me. The hope is that the fam and myself get some skills to help more efficiently any organization we end up working for. Till then I will keep my eyes open for needs around my home radius and try to curb my wander lust.

Oakland Owner Al Davis is Actually a Vampire

2010-10-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

Al Davis Sucks The Life out of the Raiders...Literally.
Associated Press

Breaking news: Al Davis, the Oakland Raiders head coach, is a Vampire. Many have suspected Davis of a supernatural ability to suck the life out the franchise since the departure of Madden but now we have substantial proof.

Police responded to an disturbance call at the home of Tom Cable, Oakland's head coach, and found Davis sucking the life blood out of Mr. Cable. Police opened fire but Davis turned into a bat a eluded capture. Tom had no memory of the incident after Davis came in to Cable's home to talk about game film. "I was excited about this film I found, where I discovered a way to improve our play enough to be a contender. I was showing it to Mr. Davis when he yelled something about how this team will never succeed under his watch, then screamed JAMARCUS RUSSELL. That is all I remember", reported Cable.

This led investigators to look into allegations submitted by Randy Moss who inexplicably seemed devoid of any talent while playing for Oakland. Moss claims that, "Al would come to me in my sleep the night before the games and attack me. I would wake up and find that all my ambition to do great on the field was gone, also I lost speed and use of my hand for the next 24 hours." Randy filed this report within his early days with the Raiders organization but it was thrown out due to its crazy person banter.

The police are on the lookout for Mr. Davis and have put up garlic, crosses, and holy water in the locker rooms, and stadium. One upside is that the team is reportedly feeling full of competitive spirit instead of their usual mediocre enthusiasm and generally terrible attitudes.

Swingning from Trees

2010-09-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

If we were all Griffins we would cut down on pollution. That is because our hands would be so strong that every time we tried to squeeze a plastic bottle it would burst in our hands. Its a fact.

I am a man.

2010-09-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

I pee standing up,

I make fire, ugh,

I like to camp,

I do all the yard work,

I stand up for my wife (mostly to get stuff for her because she is only 4'11"),

I scracth my crotch and watch football,

men's basketball,

men's soccer,

women's volleyball (wink, wink, actually I men's volleyball as much as womens),

fights to the death,

making stuff out of wood,

making stuff on the grill,

making babies,

making macrame (what that's manly),

I am hoping this list will cement my status in manhood.

P.S. if anyone has anymore suggestions about what makes a man than please add to this list

P.P.S. this applies mostly to Britney maybe Josh Tate because you are the only two outside my family that read my blog.

Breaking News: 2 and 3 Year Old American Kids Are Really South Korean Spys

2010-09-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Associated Press, September 20th, 2010:

In a devastating attack on our country's national security, the Department of Homeland Security has recently issued a dossier of 2 children who defected as spies to North Korea. Director of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano released the dossier in a press conference to the public. "These kids were born to American citizens, but were recruited at a local Korean culture camp called Kamp Kimchee. This camp fronts as a place for South Korean adoptees to learn more about their "heritage" commented Director Napolitano. When asked how the North Koreans persuaded their longtime enemy the South Koreans to open a camp as front for recruiting spies Napolitano replied, "North Koreans, South Koreans who gives a s@*%; they all look the same to me."

Kamp Kimchee is usually held in a grade school for one week during the summer in the tourist town of Baxter, MN. Residents of Baxter have always been suspicious of the week long camp and are finally talking about their displeasure in all the "Chinese" taking the town by storm every summer. "At first I thought it might be neat to have so many "oriental" people in our town for a short time, but when I asked them if they knew a good chinese food place in town; they remarked back how would we know, we are Korean. I distrusted them ever since.", says local grocery store owner Mallory Johnson.

A worker at The Best Western in Baxter claims, "I had to kick all the campers out last year and tell them that they are not welcome here. We can only allow 1/3 of the guests to be of non-white origins otherwise our regular guests become anxious.

(Child shown to the right is a know cohort of the two spies Ada Bailey Dachtler aka Ada Ill and Lael Charlie Sutton aka Lael Hee)

These young Ill's (called so because of the immortal, demi-god Kim Jong Ill who is proven to be infallible, fire-breathing, time traveling, highlander who is the last one standing) have already been responsible for a number of crimes. The largest accusation against them is the sinking of a ship holding a team of U.N. nuclear arms inspectors, and Disney kid stars (most notably the girl from I'Carly whose name no one cares to learn). The spy was caught on videotape boarding the boat before it took off from Orlando Florida.

The U.S. government is pulling all it's top minds in to try to catch these two traitors. They have taken people from all over the country to try to keep anymore information form leaking into these girls hands. (picture on the right shows the carnage of the ship explosion) President Obama was unable to comment but his press secretary has this to say, "We are doing everything in our power to capture these two children." The presidents daughter is taking the news extra hard, "Whats her face from I'Carly is gone now and the show has been cancelled, now what am I supposed to watch on Saturday?"

It is not know is these two are traveling together or separate, but there have been sightings of them all around the country. The people who remember seeing them gave them a candy and free bracelets because they "looked cute wandering around". If anyone spots either of these two do not try to apprehend them; they are extremely cute and have absolute faith in their Highlander demi-god Kim Jong Ill.

Call 1-800-fearmongers for more details.

(Ada believed to have been caught on tape infecting the Avian Bird Flu to these Chickens)

Misty Days

2010-09-20T12:38:00.001-07:00

Lets get one thing straight I love hot weather, if it is 90 and sunny out then I am generally overjoyed, yet there is a part of me that needs those days of incliment weather. It seems that for me there is a much needed break that comes with constant beautiful weather (minus San Diego there I could always be joyful about the weather). Rainy days are a must for me, I need that grey every once in a while to offset the brightness. Maybe grey is better for intrinsic thought or perhaps it is easier to be gratefull of those perfect (insert season) days. All I know is that right know I have a hot coffee, some melodromatic music, and a great view of the misty weather outside and that is just about perfect.

Trying to stay afloat

2010-09-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

I am trying desperatly to catch-up in some really challennging classes. There are simple rules and "common knowledge" problems that are anything but to a person who hasn't been in school for 3 years. That being said I am enjoying the struggle to learn some hard material, preparing for a second kid, trying to work a job, and also keeping up my relathionships with my family and friends. It is pushing me to rethink time managment, because my first degree was not really hard at all. In fact, it was more like an extention of high school; show up, do homework when you need to, don't open a book and then you graduate. In fact you might say that I am going to college for the first time, so really I am a freshman with a little less hair then my comrades. Well heres to being a freshman! Now can anyone tell me about derivitives?

The old man and the school.

2010-09-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little out of place while trying to obtain my second degree. This is because I am enrolled in classes that are are full of 18/19 year olds and I turn 27 in April. I wonder if those younguns feel the same way as I do about myself; the old man reading the newspaper and eating by himself at Applebees. It's like they feel curious about how or why I am eating by myself, yet not curious enough to come over and share the paper (well they might ask me if I am done with the funnies). Perhaps I am to self-conscious about this whole ordeal, but I would love any input that you reader's would feel like bestowing upon this "non-traditional" (that is what UND calls my kind)student/alum.

Take that Sam's Club/Walmart

2010-02-10T17:53:00.000-08:00

I love potty training, it is fun to watch Ada grow as a little person. She is doing extremely well, she goes most days without having any accidents, but some days there are accidents.
Take yesterday for example, Ada, Katie and I went grocery shopping at Super One and then had to pick up some vegetables at Sam's Club. We arrived 30 minutes before close and managed to hurry through the monstrous store without a hitch. Then as we where winding through the meat section Ada mentions she has to potty, and of course Katie and I thought we had a little time to get her to the bathroom, how wrong we were. Ada peed through her pants, and made a large puddle in the meat section.
Now the right thing to do would have been to tell an employee that our daughter peed on the floor right next to the french cut pork ribs, but we allowed our embarrassment to take hold and left without saying a thing. Whoops!!

It's Cold Outside

2010-01-29T07:01:00.000-08:00

Let's start out by saying I am not a vikings Fan, I am a Detroit Lions fan and Raiders fan, but I am saddened by the lack of basic fundamentals shown in the NFC Championship game. How can you not win when you are dominating an entire game? Simple, fumble, fumble, fumble, fumble, fumble, fumble and fumble then after you do that let your quarterback get hit 18 times or about 1 in every 4 times you drop back so that he is not only injured but shaky from the constant hits (most legal but a few really cheap shots as well) so that throws 2 interceptions. Please forgive my obvious regard for Brett, he made some bad choices, but after your running backs fumble 7 times losing 4 of them twice in the red zone I think you would forgive someone for becoming desperate.
So here is my question for everyone to answer, would you rather be a Vikings fan knowing you were the better team or a Saints fan knowing you have no shot of beating the Colts?
(sorry for the football question when I know the only people who read this blog don't watch it)

The Swell Season has taken over my life

2010-01-20T08:36:00.001-08:00

For those of you who have not heard of the Swell Season, here is your chance to hear some great music. I can't stop listening to there songs, it has become a curse upon my head that I have to listen at least once a day to one of their songs. I won't say say that they are the best band of all time, that is stupid, but the tracks off their albums are worth listening to.
To all of you in Idyllwild mainly Sarah and Josh and the Tateletts we still have your Lost Season one and are holding it hostage until you win the lottery and come visit us in the lovely flat Dakota Prairie (I also have your Dune series).
This makes me feel like a bad friend but I will twist arms in order to get my way. Britney and Brian I have arranged to steal Salty and have her transported to our house. She will be allowed to run for miles on nice flat ground where you will never lose her. Becky and Steve I have also arranged for someone to steal you guitar's and flat shoes so that you will have to come and visit.
Let me put it this way I miss you all and hope to have a reunion of some sort here where it is cheap to do anything.

Who would you rather be...

2010-01-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Would you rather be an eagle or an orca? That is my philisophical question of the day.

A long time coming

2010-01-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been quite a long time and I apologize for the lack of commitment in my blogspoting ways (I have been cheating on blogspot with many books). If anyone is reading this I am sure it is of pure accident that you are now reading what I am throwing down. I am currently working at Starbucks as a Shift Supervisor waiting in angst for August to come so I can begin my return to school for a different degree. I am really excited to be the old guy in lab whom all the 18/19 year old kids don't want to partner up with. I assure you I will be sitting in the front row with my notebook on my crossed leg listening to every word the professor says (which will no doubt place mark me with the Scarlet G for grampa if no one caught that).
My little Ada is growing fast and is an avid troublemaker, yelling hey you to any and all strangers around her. I must say I miss California a lot and hope that all my old peps from Idyllwild are doing well (I love you all and miss you terribly).
But I must go no and instead will post you a question to ponder, If you had all of Supermans powers what would you do first?

Dylan "the its currently minus 45 degrees outside and yet no one seems to notice except me" Dachtler

Holloween

2009-11-01T18:38:00.001-08:00

First off, I must apologize for the long time between blogs. There is so much to cover since the time I last wrote but for your sake I will keep it short.
Our lives have been hectic to say the least, we are still unpacking and Ada has been hospitalized again for pneumonia (she is better now). We also adopted Abe, he is a yellow lab.
Now on to the real reason I decided to blog was our Halloween experience. Katie came up with our costumes and sewed them herself. Ada was a sushi roll, Katie was a ginger (I could have been but I decided to pass because of personal demons associated with the term GINGER), and I was a piece of wasabi. Ada was cute as always and received a whole Basmati burlap bag full of candy.
So today is Sunday and Katie, Ada, and I went to my mom and dads house to eat and watch football, which means that Abe and Moses were left home alone. As always when we leave the house to the dogs we take all the plates and food off the table because Moses, in all his fat glory, can somehow maneuver himself up onto the table. So everything was off the table except, you guessed it, the 20 lbs. burlap Basmati rice bag full of chocolate and other assorted goodies. This is where the story takes its turn.
Katie comes home planning on spending a nice evening with her friends, and low and behold what does she find but a shattered drinking glass, candy wrappers, urine, and no candy. So in her fit of rage she banishes the dogs to the back yard, Moses by the way is so bloated he can hardly walk, and Katie cleans up the mess. So after calling the vet she tells us to give the dogs Hydrogen Peroxide to make the dogs vomit because of the copious amounts of chocolate eaten by at least one of the dogs.
Fastforward to 30 minutes later and both dogs are vomiting profusely, Moses' bile is pure chocolate, mixed in with gumdrops and Dots, while Abe's is a mix of the trash he ate earlier. I should be really upset right now but I have to admit that I am impressed that Moses managed to eat through an burlap bag and devour many pounds of candy. Let this be leason to anyone who feels the need to live with two dogs.

This is going to be the buisiest most exspensivist month of my life...so far!

2009-09-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a while but let me keep you up to the latest news. Yesterday Katie and I purchased our very first home, thank you Mr. President for making such a great offer. It is a little house that needs some work but the price was sure right and now Katie is officially starting her daycare (I wouldn't send my kids there that lady is crazy). It feels great to own a house yet I still am hesitant about signing away so much of my life and finances to a piece of property. The other downside is Katie needs certain things done before daycare starts i.e. painting, fence, and it all has to be done by this week.
On top of that I am leaving to Colorado to my friends wedding next Wednesday, so I need to move, put up a fence, paint, unpack, then repack so that I can leave to Colorado. Well I need to go because I am up on the fantasy draft.

Peace out

Evesdropping

2009-08-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago while I was in Forest River (a small ND farming town), I overheard this conversation going on at a table full of old farmers:

"So my grandson got a Iphone, it is really nifty. You can listen to thousands of songs on it."
other old guy,
"So its like a record player?"
First guy,
"No, it is a lot smaller, and has earplugs.", old guy "So it plays records"
First guy,
"No, I don't think so, it has something to do with a computer."
Old guy,
"Well, can you listen to the radio? Or records?"
first guy,
"I think you can it is kinda like one of those walkman things, you know."
old guy,
"Well if you can't listen to records and you can't listen to radio what good is it?"
The End,

I found this endlessly amusing, it was a great experience that taught me even though we think everyone should know the latest gadgets or fads this just isn't so. It was a great breath of fresh air.

We are here

2009-06-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone understands that we do miss California, the sun, beaches, mountains, food and diversity all make me want to cry a little inside. Yet I am happy we are here, our family gets to see Ada, mom and dad can wake up to her nearly every night from 2 to 3 am (sorry) and we are looking to start anew. I miss everyone in Cali more than they will know. The relationships that where started there (and will continue) are ones that have fostered so much love that it is hard to imagine life without you guys (you all know who I am talking about), but I pray that I can maintain my old relationships while cultivating new relationships that can hold me steady till we can all see each other again. I love you guys a ton (that's 2,000 pounds of love).

Dylan the Rocker Dachtler

Going home Going home

2009-04-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I can leave the ocean...I guess lakes are ok.

I told you so!!!!!

2009-04-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time since I wrote on my blog but I have been a busy man. I had to peer out of the shadows of my own life's dilemmas in order to say I TOLD YOU SO! I appreciate Mrs. Angela admitting she was wrong, that was good of you Dr. C it means that you know yourself well enough to say sorry (your a lucky man Doug). For all you others out there who I won't name (cough, cough, Mr. Tate) this now shows you that you are a bad judge of TV personality character. For those of you who don't know, this picture to your left is of a certain Vince Sholmi a.k.a. Vince Shamwow, or as he is now known Vince "the I will punch you in the face you dirty hooker after nearly biting off my tongue which I then had to clean up with one of my Shamwows".

I must say that I thought I would be happier about this but I am not. I feel kinda bad for the two of them (by them the hooker and Vince). This poor smuck had to go pay for sex and then the girl deemed it necessary to bite his tongue so hard that he felt the need to punch her repeatedly in the face. What the hell did he do to this lady of the night that prompted her to attempt a tongue bite off? How can you piss off a person so badly that they will forgo the $1000 dollars (the alleged payment for little miss cannibal) that was promised and instead become a human punching bag. I mean even Tyson only went after an ear and we all know he is crazy.

As far as Vince goes I feel bad that he decided it was a good idea to accept a prostitutes offer. That must be a sad day when you feel the need to buy sex (it must have been the little person inside his fake headset that told him it was OK).

Well Vince I know you let a lot of people down, Angela, Tates, because they loved you and you also let down me, by making this too easy to mock you. Thanks for taking the joy out of my despising you Jerk.

Billy Mays is also disappointed.

Midwest for life!

Readers Digest Edition One

2009-03-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading an old 1983 edition of Readers Digest and this article caught my eye. It is titled What You Should Know About America's Defense. I decided to break it up because it might get a bit long.

Congress is ready to attack the big budget deficit, and both Republicans and Democrats are looking at the Pentagon for likely cuts.
Money for the Pentagon stirs primitive brooding's. Foes of defense want to believe that almost all the Pentagon spending is foolish or dangerous. On the other side, some of the hawks go beyond acknowledging the need to defend ourselves and would buy nuclear bombs if the only threat were Chief Sitting Bull.
Extremes aside, cautious people favor defense. The less we spend on defense, the greater the risk of war. But how much money for defense is enough? Are our defenses sufficient now and for the future?
Following are some answers to these and other simple but important questions that will help you recognize the strength and weaknesses of our defense program.
How will the Pentagon money be spent?
If congress accepts the President's proposed budget for the fiscal 1984, 18 percent of the Pentagon's $274 billion budget will go for military pay; another 27 percent for civilian employees, operating costs and maintenance; 11 percent for research and development; 34 percent for buying weapons and equipment; 6 percent to retired military people; and 4 percent for miscellaneous.
Another way to slice the budget is by the categories of forces it buys. Only about 15 percent goes for strategic nuclear forces; 70 percent operates conventional units of the armed forces, and the rest is general overhead.

According to the New York Times the Pentagon's proposed budget is now $515.4 billion, it also means that the annual military spending, when adjusted for inflation, will have reached its highest level since World War II. This budget is to pay for the standard operations of the Pentagon and the military but does not include supplemental spending on the war efforts or on nuclear weapons, is an increase in real terms of about 5 percent over last year. That is a whole lot of money to throw around when our economy is in the crapper.

Midwest for Life

Life

2009-03-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

I wish God would make his plan for our lives crystal clear. It would make my decisions a lot easier.

"Costco" the Safari

2009-03-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

Before I tell this tale I want everyone to know that I like the elderly, in fact I cannot wait to be "elderly". That way I can do things that people will just associate with me being senile; walking out of the bathroom with my pants down, hitting on women (if Katie is not around anymore), and saying things like "who put that dodiddy in my hoodiddy". But seriously, I think our older generation needs to be respected and revered because of all the knowledge and history they have seen that we could never imagine, but when they shop at Costco...well you will see.

Life in Idyllwild, CA, is a great experience, there are some amazing people here (Tates, Steve and Becky, Brian, Britney and the Nysees) who made moving here life changing, and the climate and scenery are also a plus. One of the great geographic features is the ability to drive 45 minutes down to the desert during the winter, and go from 30 degrees to 80 degrees, which is why we go there.

Now if you have ever studied old people, you know that the elderly don't like cold weather, (something about brittle bones breaking) so during the winter they move somewhere that has plenty of sun, golf carts, and pseudo-ethnic restaurants. These three scientifically proven facts about elderly people means that in the month of October one of the most amazing migrations of any animal species occurs; the elderly population from anywhere above the 41st parallel descend down to the lowest of the 48 states (witnessed by the massive numbers of Cadillacs and Buicks traveling south, at approximately 60 mph). From here they end up in areas like Florida, Texas, Arizona, and Palm Desert, California. Now that you have this expertise in elderly behavior I can continue on with my story.

Katie, Brock, Nina, Ada and I went to Palm Desert to hang out in the sun and to buy groceries for the week. After our foray in the park, we went to Costco and noticed the overwhelming scent of musk and hair spray, we neglected this warning of our senses and continued inside. As soon as we set foot inside the door we realized something was askew, like someone was slowly (very slowly) following us. We shook off this ominous feeling, and proceeded further into the store, our mistake not realized until we neared the food section.

The food section is where they put all the free samples for people to try; (just so you know the food samples are laced with addictive substances so that you cannot live without the microwaveable prime rib) here we ran into an unstoppable force of nature, elderly people and free samples. Elderly people and samples are like gazelles drawn to water holes, they throw all caution aside and solely concentrate on that cracker made with soy (which is why medicare now comes with soy crackers).

The first sign of danger revealed itself when, as I drove the cart into near the canned fruit aisle, an elderly person just shot out from behind a patio bench, all bent over and shuffling, throwing caution to the wind, focusing only on the sample in front of him. I had to throw the cart to the side ended up hitting a display stand knocking down a can of canned chicken. Frustrated, I pick up the damage and tried to shake off the adrenaline rush that now shook my entire body.

I then looked up. In the mere moments it took to clean up the aftermath of the crash I saw a devastating sight. All the aisle were now filled with elderly people of all different species. There were old people in the 65 range pushing their now 90 year old mother or father in a wheelchair who were themselves pushing the cart in the fashion of a extra long semi. Beside them was a herd of powered wheelchairs (the cheetahs of the elderly) who always shop in groups of at least 3 (it is easier to spot the predators this way). Then there were the people walking with walkers, the hard of hearing (their yells are like a warning signal for all minorities, and small children), and the able bodied elderly who seem to always fight with their spouses over what type of fruit to buy.

Needless to say our shopping experience took an hour longer because of the congestion of the aisles, and checkout was particularly grueling because of the massive amounts of coupons and necessary hand signals required for successful interaction with old people. In the end we got out alive only because of our youthful reaction time and able bodied movements. Side-note, did you know they sell caskets at Costco...kinda creepy. I must say that if I shop at Costco again during the winter months I will go after 5 because the elderly must go watch the evening news before their required 6:30 pm bed curfew.

(Just so you know this story was not exaggerated in any way)

MidWest for life suckas!!

Family Life

2009-03-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when I realize that life is not at all what you would expect. As a natural optimist (yes I can hear your incredulous snorts from here) I naturally assumed that since Ada slept through the night as an infant, she would naturally sleep through the night as a toddler. This is an unfortunate misconception that I am forced to live through now as I try to function as the walking dead.

I hope this is a lesson to all you expecting parents out there, be warned, babies are evil and will take all of your soul and mush it into a little jar which they store next to their soft pink blankets. This soul jar is then used later in life when they want to "borrow the car" or "date Bob" even when Bob is five years older with a gross mustache that will be the next new thing when Ada hits high school. Then when you say "no Ada Bob is five years older than you and therefore I will beat him within an inch of his life if he steps into our house again", she take that jar and stabs it with a hot iron which makes you feel like a bad person. This is fact, Stanford and Harvard just did a study that at least one of your children will do the exact opposite of what you tell them. Therefore I say we make robot children that will sleep through the night.

MidWest Pro-robotic children expert for life

Dignity Lost...thank God

2009-03-12T23:03:00.001-07:00

They say that when you marry someone you give up certain personal freedoms in order to obtain an intricate and intimate knowledge of another human being; knowledge that is unobtainable without taking the leaps of faith and vulnerability that is demanded of both husband and wife in order to maintain a healthy marriage.

Now I know that if I hadn't met Katie, if we hadn't created Ada, I would still be that selfish man with a vastly different view of the world. If I had not taken that leap of faith, if I had stayed within the confines of my own personal ideals and comfort zone, my motives for pursuing the life goals I set would be unrecognizable to me now.

The desire to make Katie and my marriage a great one has forced me to open every inch of myself; all the shameful, dark, secretive, even downright disgusting pieces that I try to shove in a dark corner somewhere where no one will find them, all of that she has to see in order for her to choose to love me for who I am. Thankfully she is an amazingly merciful woman who loves me in spite of the disgusting stains that spot my life. She chooses to love me, made a commitment to love me, and for that I am forever grateful

Through our marriage I see more clearly the similarity between the commitment I made with Katie and the one I made with the Lord.

I don't think that I would have realized this unless I experienced actual tangible love. It allowed me to understand what it means to commit to someone, not through pure emotion (although that is a necessary part of relationships) but through the knowledge that even when I wake up wondering if life could have been different, if I made the right choice, (trust me these thoughts do happen) I know that my commitment to Katie is worth any loss of freedom or what I once thought of as dignity. In her, just as in Christ, I have someone who will always be there for me through my exeptional times, but more importantly through those times where I deserve to be left broken and ashamed.

I love you honey, because of you I am a thousand times the man I once was.

A long time coming...

2009-02-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, the joy of tax season and all the wonder that comes along with it. I always look forward to the people standing outside tax places in minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit (at least in North Dakota) bouncing to a song only known to themselves as they convincingly dress in the likes of Lady Liberty or Uncle Sam. I also enjoy commercials such as the verbally abusive wife who expels upon years of repressed hatred and frustration by mercilessly berating her husband on how stupid he is because he did taxes himself instead of using "People" and his stupid self only used a box (I would punch that woman in the babymaker). You may be asking yourself then "Is there a negative side to tax season minus giving our money to the government in order for them to spend it on needed and unneeded programs that allow our country to function?" The answer to that question is yes. The dark side of tax season reveals itself when the people who believe they don't need to pay taxes, (insert names such as Wesley Snipes, Tim Geithner, Pete Rose) that they are somehow above funding our countries much needed programs such as roads, hospitals, education, defense, and long trips between members of congress and the leaders of Bora Bora to discuss the pressing regulatory issues of the little umbrellas that you receive with your fruity drinks. Needless to say, there are numerous programs and spending decisions that are downright stupid and dishonest, but there are also vital programs OUR country cannot exist without. You can't run a government on nothing but well wishes and handshakes, you need capital. People bitch all the time (sorry for the language Caleb) about taxes and how much we pay, yet they kick and scream when the services the government pays for aren't enough. You can't have it both ways people, unless you wish us to become like the government of Bolivia who collects virtually no taxes in exchange for having no public school system (which is why Bolivia also has a wonderfully high literacy rate).

This is why when I see commercials with true accounts of people who owed hundreds of thousands of dollars I want to kick in the screen to my TV. You know what commercials I am talking about, the one about the law firm who settles tax debts. These people have the audacity to stand in front of their multi-million dollar houses, porches, and yachts as they pompously talk about "owing" $950,000 in back taxes and through this douchbag (again sorry Caleb) law firm I only had to pay $10,000. I don't understand how these people show their faces in public. First off, how do you get to a point where you owe $950,000 in back taxes? I understand that some times people miscalculate but $950,000 worth of miscalculation? These people are thieves and should be thrown in jail because we all pay whether you agree (and no one will ever agree on all political ideals) or disagree with all the different ways the government spends our money there are programs that must be funded with taxes. You people who withhold taxes because you believe it is you right are scum you deserve to be locked in a room with Shamwows Vince as he demonstrates the magical qualities of his headset and faux-hawk for the rest of you natural lives.

Midwest for life suckas!!!

Is your personal infromation safe????

2009-01-31T23:09:00.000-08:00

ALERT!!!!!!

Undercover agents have recently blown open a national identity theft ring involving thousands of infants. According to these agents, babies across the country have been stealing their families credit information to purchase numerous toys, properties, and stock in Tyco, KBtoys, and Playskool. Authorities have been warning all families with children under the age of 2 to check their credit scores frequently and to turn any information over to your local police immediately.

Dwarfs posing as infants were responsible for this ground breaking discovery. These agents learned that the children communicated through Elmo cellphones and by using the Internet while the computer was in their parents laps. "All this time I just thought that the our child was babbling in the phone and banging on the keys, little did I know she was really buying stocks and talking to her broker on the Elmo-phone" said a handsome redheaded father in Southern California who wanted to remain anonymous.

Experts are urging parents not be fooled by the cuteness of their children. "It is the biggest trick in their book", says Detective Willow "they act all cute and innocent then they take you to the cleaners."
It is imperative that everyone understands during these economic times that this issue is vital to turning around our current crisis.
This baby (pictured in the photo above) was arrested on seventy counts of identity theft. She also was arrested outside the courtroom after assaulting the photographer taking this photo. "da-da, goo, boo, faa" was the only quote we could get from this adorable low-life.

Midwest for life!!!!!

The woes of a parent whose child is teething

2009-01-31T22:17:00.000-08:00

(yes this is blood, but it is only the blood of Lou Dobbs so the world is actually better off)

Today I want everyone to imagine that you have a tiny 11 month old daughter. Now imagine that you are used to a happy active child who laughs, plays, and writes sonnets in her free-time. Can you imagine your pride in having such a talented genetically perfect baby? Take that image of this perfect child and envision your fear when you now have a screaming, puking child, who is secretly swearing at you in her native baby language. All you want is a night sleep after slaving all day in the hot sun singing "that's the sound of the gang working on the chain" but you can't because this child that is normally the ideal baby wants to complain about a little pain.
Sure, some might say that it is excruciatingly painful to have teeth rip and tear through your gums. Pleassssssssssssse that is just nonsense from hippie baby sympathizers who want equal rights for babies (the day an 11 month can vote for the president is the day I buy a shamwow). I say let the babies have some hardship. They live the high life; getting people to feed them, they play, nap, watch some tube, eat, nap, play, break things and act all innocent (like you didn't know that the playstation remote would break after slamming it with the chair). When I was young I had two jobs and my parents took all my money to spend on bills. I had to curb a severe drinking problem when I was 7 because it was the only way to relieve the stress after working 80 hours a week (it is really hard to do stuff when you have little hands and haven't mastered object permanence). I hate to lament about such things but really all I have to say is suck it up Ada...I mean fake baby person. (DISCLAIMER) I AM ONLY KIDDING I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH THAT MY DAUGHTER IS IN PAINAND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKER HER FEEL BETTER...PLUS I WANT A DECENT NIGHTS SLEEP.

Midwest for life!!!

Cleaning House

2009-01-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today as I watched Ada take all the clothes out of her room, I recalled a time when she didn't destroy everything in sight. Will there ever be a time when our house stays clean? Probably not.

2009-01-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me also knows that at times trivial annoyances build into a surging storm of obsessive hatred. This happened again last night when I was attempting to enjoy a few moments of quality relaxation time with Dr. Gregory House and his crazy/cool antics, when out of nowhere this gremlin like creature with a headset appears out of nowhere spewing forth this deprived nonsense about buying an overpriced towel. This incessant gibberish continued for what seemed like an eternity partly because I could feel my I.Q. drop to comma like depths but also because my daughter decided to craw away with the remote at the exact moment "Vincent", if that is his real name, forced his overly caffeinated presence into my life. This may seem trivial (and it is) but I used to love staying up late with nothing better to do but then watching the latest gadget/doohickey that would save me years off my life in both stress and time.
What happened to Ron Popeil? Ron created hundreds of time saving inventions (or at least endorsed them) which allowed him to be mentioned in the same breath as other great entrepreneurs such as Michelangelo, and Aristotle. Who didn't want to by something from this man? I remember a disastrous attempt to steal my mother credit card in order to purchase the newest three in one rotisserie/dehydrator/do it yourself open heart surgery machine. Then Ron just left and in his wake came a Taliban like insurgence of wannabes. This terrible drop in quality infomercial personalities gave way to people like "Vincent"; a sad overexcited creature who sole existence is to wear a non functioning headset over top his horrible faux hawk and clean up the cola/wine/blood of the unborn until the authorities realize that ShamWow causes gremlin-like symptoms in anyone who purchases it and then burns the entire worlds supply before more "Vincents" appear. Well that is all for today (MidWest for Life)

My first big blog

2009-01-20T23:40:00.000-08:00

This is my first post ever! I don't know if this will continue once the initial thrill wears off but who really cares because no one will read my boring blog anyway (except for creepy blog stalkers). You know who you are. For those who don't know me, I am married to a wonderfully short lady named Katie to whom I owe a lot. The little one in all these pictures is my daughter whom I am a half responsible for creation. We work in Idyllwild, CA at a Conference Center doing a variety of menial tasks. I really have nothing to complain about except that I saw that *&#$ ShamWow commercial and would like to stab him and see if that overpriced shammie would wipe up his blood.... a little over the top but that is how I roll (MidWest for life).

I hope that whoever reads this enjoys my tyraid about, well about nothing. I expect reading this blog may be dangerous if one peers to deeply into my troubled soul, for some it may be like a creepy Stanly Koubrik movie, but for others it may resemble a cheap Seinfeld episodes without the clever plot line. Whatever the case I hope you all enjoy.
Until next time, Peace Out.